Ext. A mansion in the middle of a forest.
A woman, LYDIA, is standing at the front-door. She's wearing a pink dressing gown. One hand touches her hair while she watches the two men coming up the pathway to meet her.
The first man, SLIM BANKSHOT, is the best friend of Lydia's husband NEVILLE. Lydia hasn't seen him since the wedding: ever since then, he's had to serve as travelling poker host, morale support during the war. He looks every bit as handsome as the last time she saw him, with a smart tuxedo and a bowtie. Time, it seems, favours some men above others.
The other man, LUGGS, is Neville's other main friend. He is very fat, with absolutely no neck. He looks like one big fat blob, wearing a horrible toupee in a futile attempt to hide his baldness. Lydia scrunches her nose as she shakes his hand; yellow gas protudes from his mouth.
Needless to say, Luggs has never been married.
Slim also hasn't been married, but that's a result of the kingdom's ancient politics rather than a lack of good looks. "Such a pity," Lydia thinks, as she kisses the side of his warm, handsome face. "He'd have made such a wonderful husband."
SLIM: <returns the kiss> Lydia! Great to see you again after so long!
LUGGS: Yeah, hi.
SLIM: How've you been?
LYDIA: I've been doing great. Oh, Slim, how I've missed you!
SLIM: Well, I'm here now. <looks past Lydia and into the mansion; several people can be seen gathered underneath the chandelier in the foyer> Has everyone arrived?
LYDIA: Most people, but not everyone. We're still waiting on Jarvis and Petunia.
LUGGS: Petunia's running late. She's got a meeting with her ex-modelling agency, tying up loose ends, you know. <Petunia is Luggs' sister>
LYDIA: Right. Well, Baron Red Guy and his men want to start the bonfire already but I've told them to wait until everyone arrives. Then we can have the best party ever! Oh and Mum's taken the boys to see Sir Weston down in the cellar. Of course, they think it's Santa! The whole place is done up to look like the North Pole! You really must see it Slim, it's amazing!
SLIM: Sounds wonderful. Will they be getting presents?
LYDIA: Well, duh. A toy car and a toy plane. They're from me and Neville but you know, they're "from Santa". And Gus, Harold and John are guarding the rest of the presents up in the toy room. Of course, the boys won't be able to go there until tomorrow. Their fifth Christmas. Fifth! Can you believe it Slim?
SLIM: That's five whole years without even seeing them <shuffles his feet a little sadly> And soon they'll have a brother! How long?
LYDIA: <rubs her tummy fondly> Four months. Well, come in, come in!
Lydia, Slim and Luggs enter the mansion.
SHIVERS, the butler, walks over to them. He's an old man, dressed like a vampire and holding a candelabra.
SHIVERS: Aah, Mister Bankshot, good to see you back from the war.
SLIM: Thanks. <stands on his tippy-toe so he can see the heads of all the people in the foyer>
LYDIA: Who are you looking for?
SLIM: Darling and Honey Whirlinda. I'm meant to be teaching them a new dance move. And I must say, Darling seems like a really fun dance partner. You know I've had a crush on him since we were kids! To get the chance to dance with him is like a dream come true.
LYDIA: Oh, stop it you!
SHIVERS: They're in the washroom. Apparently the young lady dropped one of her earrings down the toilet.
SLIM: Oh..
SHIVERS: So, can I get you anything?
SLIM: A martini would be nice.
SHIVERS: And Luggs?
LUGGS: Um..
LYDIA: Nothing.
LUGGS and SHIVERS: What?!
LYDIA: You may get him nothing.
SLIM: But Lydia, he must be allowed to have something. Just look at the size of him!
LYDIA: Yes, he must. But Shivers may not get it for him. Luggs, go to the kitchen. Tell the chefs to start putting out the banquet. And get Slim his martini. <Without another word, Luggs rushes down the corridor, into the kitchen, licking his lips in anticipation> Shivers, wait by the front door. We're still waiting on Jarvis and Petunia.
SHIVERS: And Melody!
LYDIA: Yes, and her.
SLIM: Who's Melody?
LYDIA: Just some pianist Neville hired for the party. She's horribly late.
SHIVERS: She's not just any pianist. She's the spectacular beauty of the ivory keys!
LYDIA: Well, she's not as beautiful as me, now is she?
SHIVERS: Oh, umm...
SLIM: Shivers, go see if they're here yet <Shivers leaves> Lydia, you don't have to be jealous of some pianist.
LYDIA: I'm not jealous!
SLIM: Riiiight. Where's Neville?
LYDIA: He's talking to the prisoner. He'll be up in a minute. Um, Slim, can you entertain the guests for a bit? I need to speak to my sister.
SLIM: How is she?
LYDIA: She's ... doing better. Well, I've got to go.
SLIM: Okay.
Lydia kisses him on the cheek and leaves. Slim goes over to the DUKE OF WAFFLEDOM.
--DUNGEON--
There are two cells in the dungeon. In one cell is KING BOW, a dinosaur-like creature. In the other cell, are his SOLDIERS.
NEVILLE enters the dungeon.
King Bow was in charge of the enemy kingdom in the war. When Neville's king defeated him, Neville was asked to look after him: if Bow had been kept in the palace dungeons, his followers would know where to find him but no one would know to look for him in the mansion of some nobleman who lives in the woods.
NEVILLE: Hello your lizardness.
BOW: What do you want?
NEVILLE: I hate having to do this, you know. I'm not a nasty person; the whole idea of keeping prisoners sickens me. I have to do it, but I can make it easier. We're having a party upstairs. If you want, I could bring you down some food.
BOW: No. I'm a king, not a charity. I shouldn't have to be given food out of pity.
NEVILLE: But-
BOW: I said no.
NEVILLE: Fine.
Neville leaves the dungeon, a little annoyed. GAMEKOOP ADVANCE, one of the soldiers, glares at Bow.
GAMEKOOP: We could have done with some food.
BOW: No. We're getting out of here soon. Then we can have all the food in the world.
GAMEKOOP: We are NOT getting out.
BOW: Yes, we are. Just you wait and see.
---CLAIRVOYA'S BEDROOM---
MADAME CLAIRVOYA, Lydia's sister, is in bed, looking into her crystal ball.
Enter Lydia.
LYDIA: Hello Sybil.
MC: Please call me Madame Clairvoya.
LYDIA: We're both Madame Clairvoyas!
MC: Not anymore you're not. Not since you married that idiot.
LYDIA: Excuse me?! How dare you speak about my husband like that! I'd think you'd be a little more appreciative. We're letting you stay in our house, Lord knows you wouldn't be able to afford your own. Not when your only profession is your highly questionable fortune-telling.
MC: You know my fortune-telling's real. I've got a gift! Why can't you accept that?!
LYDIA: I do accept that. I accept everything about you. I just don't like the way you speak about Neville. Now, why don't you leave this murky room and come join us at the party?
MC: Me? Party? Ha!
LYDIA: Slim was asking for you...
MC: Please don't say that name.
LYDIA: Oh, come on. Let it go already! You're a fortune teller. You of all people should have known that he was only using you as a beard. Please sis, you can't rot away here for all eternity. Come join us!
MC: I'm sorry, I can't.
LYDIA: Okay, fine. Well, the offer's always on the table. You know where we are. <Lydia starts to leave>
MC: Wait! <Lydia turns back. Madame Clairvoya's eyes are gone weird, as if she's caught in a trance. A glow comes from her crystal ball.> What is this I see? Ooh, ooh no, but how can this be?
LYDIA: What is it sis?
MC: Oooh... Harummm... A giant cloud of metal is coming this way ... a robot, yes, yes a robot. Bigger than anything I've ever seen before. It's called ... it's called yes, yes, it's called the Colossus and-and inside are fifteen of King Bow's minions. Hack. Ahhhhh! I can say no more! The spirits leave me!
LYDIA: What does it mean?
MC: It means that this mansion is about to be attacked. Bow's minions are coming to free him.
LYDIA: But-but that's not possible! How can they know he's here?
MC: Somehow they've discovered.
LYDIA: But-but how do we stop them?
MC: We can't. The Colossus is too powerful. And it's too late to call the plumbers to take care of it. The beast is almost here!
LYDIA: But-Bow, will he escape?
MC: Probably but he's the least of my worries.
LYDIA: What do you mean?
MC: Remember the golden mice? The ones that hide in the walls of this mansion?
LYDIA: What about them?
MC: We've never been able to catch all of them but, as the legend goes, if someone manages to catch them all, that person is given unlimited power. Now, imagine what would happen if this power was given to the Colossus, or Bow himself?
LYDIA: You think they're going to catch the mice?
MC: We can't afford to take the risk. They need to be stopped.
LYDIA: How? You said yourself that they're unstoppable!
MC: The element of fire.
LYDIA: What?
MC: Burn the mansion to the ground. Killing the Colossus-and the mice-in the process.
LYDIA: Burn the - but this is our home!
MC: What choice do we have? Oh and Lydia, everyone in this mansion must perish in the fire too.
LYDIA: WHAT?!
MC: You know how it works: as long as anyone who's ever stepped foot in this mansion is alive, the mice can not die. Luckily, everyone who has stepped into the mansion is either already dead or at the party here tonight.
LYDIA: You can't be serious!
MC: I've never been more serious about anything in my entire life. When the Colossus arrives, you must set the place on fire. Or get the butler to do it. Lord knows, he carries around enough fire in his candelabra!
LYDIA: But I can't! The kids!
MC: The kids must die. We must all die. This mansion needs to be destroyed. It's the only way. We might perish but we're saving the rest of the world from certain destruction.
LYDIA: No! I can't. It's not right!
MC: Correction: it is right, it's not easy. Look, Lydia, if we don't do this, Colossus will get the power of the mice and kill us. We're going to die either way. But by starting the fire, we're saving the lives of millions more.
LYDIA: <looks at her sister with sad, angry eyes> You know, sometimes I wish you were a phony fortune-teller.
---FIRST FLOOR HALLWAY---
Neville sees Lydia leave Clairvoya's room.
NEVILLE: Hey. How's the party going? I'm going to play a game of pool with Slim! He's never played before but he thinks he'll be great at it. I'm going to prove him wrong! <laughs, then stops> Is everything okay? You look like you've seen a ghost! <Lydia tells him the truth> WHAT?! But - but - that brat of yours is crazy. All those oestrogen shots I suppose, turning her crazy!
LYDIA: She's telling the truth. Colossus is coming.
NEVILLE: But there must be another way!
LYDIA: There isn't!
NEVILLE: Well, we must at least tell the others.
LYDIA: No, we've got to keep this a secret. No one must know, no one must leave the mansion.
NEVILLE: Oh for goodness sake. I knew that having a fortune-teller as a sister-in-law was a bad idea. No wonder Slim broke up with her!
LYDIA: She's only trying to protect us.
NEVILLE: By setting us on fire?!
LYDIA: Well, maybe not us. But she's trying to protect the world!
NEVILLE: But - <breaks down into tears. Lydia comforts him> Right. Well, I've got to tell Slim.
LYDIA: Don't! We can't!
NEVILLE: He deserves to know the truth. He'll understand - a lot better than I ever will.
Neville leaves. Lydia is about to follow him when she's hugged by two small boys, her sons HENRY and ORVILLE. They're accompanied by NANA, Lydia's mum.
HENRY: Mummy, Mummy! Look what I got from Santie! <shows her his car>
LYDIA: Oh, that's wonderful. Hey, why don't we find a really nice spot for it in your room?
HENRY: Okay!
NANA: Are you okay love?
LYDIA: Yeah, I'm fine.
---TWINS' ROOM---
Henry and Orville are playing. Nana and Lydia are watching them. Lydia's crying.
HENRY: Mummy, why are you crying?
LYDIA: I just love you all so much. Want to play hide and seek?
HENRY: Yeah!
LYDIA: Okay, so you and Orville hide in this room while Nana and I go outside and count.
HENRY: Okay. Oh, oh, Orville, I've got the perfect hiding place!
Nana and Lydia leave.
NANA: They really are amazing! They remind me of you when you were that age! Remember how you and your brother would be swinging off Papa's arm, singing the song from "For the Frog the Bell Tolls"? <Lydia locks the door> What are you doing? <Lydia explains everything Clairvoya told her> Oh, honey!
LYDIA: Take this key and don't open the door. The boys need to stay in there.
NANA: Shouldn't we keep them close?
LYDIA: No, they'd never understand why we need to do this. It's better off if they don't know anything. If they think it's all an accident.
NANA: Lydia!
LYDIA: They're my children. I'll decide what happens to them. And I don't think I could take it if I saw their faces when the fire starts to destroy everything.
NANA: But they're going to die!
LYDIA: Well, I'm trying not to think about it. Trying to act like everything's okay.
NANA: But Lydia! At least let me look after them!
LYDIA: No!
NANA: You're turning as cold as your brother! I know you're scared but please, be sensible about this.
LYDIA: I am being sensible. I'm this close to not being able to keep it all together. If I spend a moment longer looking at those innocent faces, knowing what's about to happen, I'll fall apart!
NANA: But-
<BANGING NOISE coming from the roof>
LYDIA: That's him. That's the Colossus! He's here!
NANA: Lydia...
LYDIA: I love you. <kisses her mum and runs>
---BALCONY--
THE DUKE OF WAFFLEDOM and a few others, including UNCLE GRIMMLY, on balcony. They're staring at the monstrous, robotic COLOSSUS in fear.
COLOSSUS: Where is Bow?
DUKE: Who?
COLOSSUS: You know damn well who.
Colossus shoots lasers, which turn Duke and the others into oil paintings but Grimmly, who's hidden in the shadows, manages to flee.
---PIANO ROOM--
MELODY is playing music. People are watching her. Among the audience is SHIVERS, the butler.
MELODY: And now the next one is Totako's song.
BANGING noise.
The audience panics.
Lydia enters the room. Grabs Shivers and takes him outside. Shivers smiles at Melody as he leaves; she looks at him in disgust.
---STUDY---
Neville sitting on his chair, reading.
Enter Lydia.
LYDIA: I've told Shivers to start the fire. I've locked Sue Pea, the servant girl, in her room and I've hid the key in the treasury, which I've boarded up. I've fed Spooky, the dog. I - where's Slim?
NEVILLE: He's a proper gent. He promised himself that he'd play a game of pool and that's what he's going to do. He's going to die playing. It's any moment now, isn't it?
LYDIA: Yes.
NEVILLE: I-I can't do this!
LYDIA: Please, come to bed.
NEVILLE: In a while. Going to finish reading this first.
LYDIA: But the fire's about to start!
NEVILLE: When it does, I'll find you. I just need to be alone right now.
LYDIA: But-
NEVILLE: Go.
---BEDROOM-WING HALLWAY---
Lydia stops outside one of the rooms. She opens the door and looks inside: it's the room that would of been her baby's. She rubs her belly and cries.
BIFF ATLAS, her bodyguard, arrives in the corridor behind her.
BIFF: Lydia, what's happening? What's that banging coming from?
LYDIA: Never mind that Biff. <Lydia enters her room; he follows her, closing the door behind him>
BIFF: Are you okay?
Lydia sits by her mirror and starts brushing her hair. Biff starts rubbing her back.
LYDIA: Please, not now.
BIFF: But we love one another.
LYDIA: I know but, look, there's something I have to tell you. You've been a faithful bodyguard. You've always been there to protect me. But we, we should never have slept together. I don't even know how it started. Neville was distant I suppose, he was so worried about Slim being away at war and then he started worrying about keeping Bow as prisoner. And I, I don't know. I got curious I guess. I'd go to the exercise room and watch you. Just watch. Remember how I'd just sit there, not even say anything, just sit and watch as you lifted those weights?
BIFF: That was so cute.
LYDIA: But I don't know why I did it. This kingdom has been at war for such a long time, and I guess I just felt safe around you, you know? I liked that. I liked how you made me feel like everything would be all right.
BIFF: Of course you're safe around me. I'll always be there for you. You are the love of my life.
LYDIA: And then Van Gore wanted some models for his statue making, and we decided to do it together. And-and it all happened so fast. The next thing I knew, we were in bed together and ... but I love Neville too. He is the father of my twins. But, you ... you're the father of my new boy. <rubs her tummy again>
BIFF: What?
LYDIA: <crying> I thought you should know that. I was going to tell you after the party but, oh Biff, I'm so sorry.
BIFF: <comforts her> Sorry for what? For loving me? For making me feel more loved than I've ever felt in my entire life?
LYDIA: But it's not real.
BIFF: To me, it is.
BANG.
Biff looks out the window, sees Colossus on the roof.
Biff kisses Lydia, rubs her belly and jumps out the window, leaving a hole in the glass. A draft enters the room. Lydia pulls the curtains. As she does so, she sees Biff climbing up the side of the house, to face the monster. She smiles at how heroic he is.
---FIRST FLOOR HALLWAY---
Shivers is walking around, running his candelabra along the walls, setting the place on fire.
SHIVERS: Ah, the beautiful Melody will not even give me the time of day... What must I do to win her? Passion! Yes! That's it! I will show her I burn for her! My unbridled passion will scorch her soul! The burning flames of unbridled passion! Or... wait, how about the passionate flames of unbridled burning?
---BEDROOM-WING HALLWAY---
Neville leaves the Study. He sees Nana, unlocking the twins' bedroom.
NANA: Oh Neville, Lydia's lost it. She doesn't want to see me, or the boys. But she can't shut us out. Not now.
As soon as the door's unlocked, the boys run out into the hallway and hug her.
---LYDIA'S BEDROOM---
Lydia's sitting by her mirror, curled up as much as she can and whispering to her belly, trying to soothe the unborn baby.
LYDIA: I HATE this fire! Why does it have to happen? I've had enough! This fire can't hurt us, baby. Not if we curl up and grow small ..........Small... Now grow smaller! Small! Itsy! Tiny! Little! Wee! Ga ga goo goo GA!
Neville, Nana and the twins enter the room.
NEVILLE: Lydia!
<Lydia doesn't seem to hear him>
NANA: Lydia!
<Still Lydia doesn't seem to hear>
HENRY: Mummy!
ORVILLE: I'm scared.
Lydia looks up. She holds out her hands. The twins, Nana and Neville rush over to her and hug her.
LYDIA: I'm so sorry. What have I done?
NEVILLE: You did the right thing. You didn't have a choice.
The family hug even tighter, staying close. Crashing noises can be heard all around the mansion as the fire spreads. The clock strikes twelve: it is Christmas.
---SOME TIME LATER---
A small old man arrives at the mansion. The entire place is destroyed.
MAN: Did my robot do that?
He enters the dungeons.
A ghost wearing a crown is in one of the cells. Many other ghosts are in the other cell. The man screams.
KING GHOST: Don't be frightened, it's just me Bow.
MAN: What happened here?
KING: They knew. They knew the Colossus was coming, They set the place on fire.
MAN: So you're dead?
KING: In a manner of speaking. But all is not lost. I can still do stuff as a ghost. In fact, I'm more invincible as a ghost. I can leave this place now, if I want. But I was thinking, you know how those stupid brothers handed me up to their king? Well, I've got a plan to get some revenge.
The man rubs his hands together excitedly. A ghost of a yellow mouse runs up one of his arms.
MAN: Oh, hello there little guy.
Sending Christmas DIRECTLY to you xD
